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Some Humor

from Beaver Island Realty

PictureThese jokes were submitted by others over the past few months.
Have some good jokes to share


[ Jokes 2 ] [ Jokes 3 ] [ St. Patís Home ] [ About St. Patrick ]

A group of Americans was touring Ireland.
One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining.
The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible.
It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful.
The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone.
"Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone,"the guide said.
"Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it.
Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."
"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted.
"We have some other boring tour to go on.
So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."
"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."
"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.
"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."
 

*  * *  * *  * *  * *  *

Gardening made easy!
An old man living alone in South Armagh,
whose only son was in Long Kesh Prison,
didn't have anyone to dig his garden for his potatoes.
So he wrote to his son about his predicament.
The son sent the reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE,
don't dig the garden up, that's where I buried
the guns!!!!!"
At 3 AM the next morning, a dozen British soldiers
turned up and dug the garden for 3 hours,
but didn't find any guns.
Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him
what had happened, asking him what he should do now?
The son sent the reply: "NOW plant the potatoes!"

*  * *  * *  * *  * *  *

When Clinton visited the Pope, he noticed a red
phone on a small table in the corner of the office.

After several minutes of conversation, Clinton asked
the Pope what the red phone was.

The Holy Father told him that it was a very special
phone with a direct line to God. However, the Pope
told Clinton he rarely used it because it cost
$20,000 a minute from the Vatican.

Clinton accepted this explanation without another thought.

Later, when Clinton visited Ireland, he saw another
red phone in the Archbishopís office. Being curious,
Clinton asked the Archbishop what it was used for.

The Archbishop told Clinton it was a direct line to God,
and he used it whenever he had a puzzling question or concern.

Clinton asked if the calls were quite expensive since
the Pope had to pay $20,000 a minute when he used
his red phone in the Vatican.

"Oh no," replied the Archbishop, "In Ireland itís a local call."

*  * *  * *  * *  * *  *

Walking into the pub, Patick said to the bartender,
"Pour me astiff one, Sean. I just had another tiff with
the little woman."
"Oh yeah," said Sean. "And how did this one end?"
"Well I'll tell ya now when it was over," Patick replied, "herself came
to me on her hands and knees, she did."
"You don't say? Now that`s a switch! What did she say?" She said, "Come
out from under that bed, you
gutless weasel!

*  * *  * *  * *  * *  *

Young girl from Donegal leaves home to find work among the bright lights of London.
Comes home 6 months later and steps out of a taxi, wearing a full-length mink coat.
"Begorrah, Colleen" says her mother "'Tis a lovely soft coat yer wearin' - an' it looks so expensive. Where did ye get that?"
Colleen replies, "Sure now, I won it at the bingo.
Don't they have wonderful prizes in London."
When the weekend's over, Colleen returns to the bright lights, but she's back to visit her mom a few months later.
This time, when she steps out of the taxi, she's wearing a beautiful gold wristwatch and a large diamond ring.
(Same exchange with mom -- same "Won it at bingo.
" Then Colleen returns to the bright lights once again.)
A few months later, she's back again. And this time she's sporting a beautiful emerald and diamond necklace with matching bracelet and earrings. She hands her mother 1,000 pounds and explains that she won it all at the bingo. Then she asks her mom to run her a bath as she needs to freshen up. Her mom draws the bath while Colleen gets undressed in her bedroom, but when she gets to the washroom, there's only a quarter inch of hot water in the bathtub. Colleen, a wee bit peeved at her mom being so cheap with the hot water after being handed 1,000 pounds, calls downstairs, "Mom! Sure now didn't I ask you to run me a bath? There's only a quarter inch of water in the tub!" "Indade there is, me darlin'" replies her mom. "But we don't want ye gettin' yer bingo ticket wet now, do we?"

*  * *  * *  * *  * *  *

A man was walking on a Belfast street one at night when suddenly he was  confronted with a masked man who had a gun pointed right at him. 
The gunman said "Are you Protestant or Catholic?"
The man was scared out of his wits but figured that he had to give some kind of an answer.
Praying for guidance he replied - "Neither - I'm Jewish!".
Silence for about 5 seconds, then the gunman's reply - "Is that so?  Well let me tell you, you're talking to the first Arab in Belfast!"

*  * *  * *  * *  * *  *

"Someday, I'd like a little brother," said a boy to his friend.
"There's only so much you can blame on a dog."

*  * *  * *  * *  * *  *

What do you get when you cross Mexico with Texas?
           Oil of Ole.

*  * *  * *  * *  * *  *

A man was very ill and on the verge of dying.  The doctor called the man's wife in and said,"There are three things that you can do to help your husband back to health"
"What are they, sir?"
"One: You must make him three huge meals every day.
Two: Never argue with him.
Three: Make love to him every night.
"Agreed." Said the woman
On the way home when the husband asked what the doctor said, the woman replied,"Sorry, honey, but you aren't going to make it."

*  * *  * *  * *  * *  *

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night.  The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face.  He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.   He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!!"
     "What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.
     "The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again."  

*  * *  * *  * *  * *  *

Charles P. (Harlem) Gallagher was in a pub in Charlevoix, Mich. some years ago. A fella down the bar leaned over and said, "Hey, Gallagher, what's the population of Beaver Island?" Charlie leaned out and said, "Oh, mostly beech and maple".! True story!!

   *  * *  * *  * *  * *  *

Many years ago a young Island woman went to the doctor to deliver her first baby.  Upon her arrival the doctor asked her into the examining room and told her to remove her pants. Well, she would have none of that.  The doctor told her that she had already removed them once too often before now!!

   *  * *  * *  * *  * *  *

Another Island fella and his wife were in the hospital down state after the birth of one of their children.  After a time the doctor came into the room and told the fella that he and his wife should abstain from sex for a couple of weeks. The fella said, "Geez Doc, you should told me that 20 minutes ago!"

   *  * *  * *  * *  * *  *

Michael Hoolihan was courting Frances Phelan.  The young couple sat in the parlor of the girl's house night after night, much to the annoyance of old man Phelan. One night he couldn"t take any more.  Standing at the top of the stairs, he yelled down, "What's that young fella doin' here all hours of the night?" "Why, Dad, " said Frances, "Michael was just telling me everything that's in his heart!"  "Well, next time, " roared Phelan,  "just let him tell you what's in his head, and it won't take half as long!"
-Submitted by: CeCe 

   *  * *  * *  * *  * *  *

Two shipyard horses talking to each other. "Are you a Protestant or a Catholic horse?" "Catholic,  why?"
"Keep that quiet, I had a friend last week who told them he was lame and they shot him"

 *  * *  * *  * *  * *  *

Paddy was found dead in his back yard, and as the weather was a bit on the warm side, the wake was held down to only two days, so his mortal remains wouldn't take a bad turn. At last his friends laid him in the cox, nailed it shut & started down the hill into the churchyard. As it was a long, sloping path and the mourners were appropriately tipsy, one fellow lurched into the gatepost as they entered the graveyard. Suddenly a loud knocking came from in the box. Paddy was alive! They opened the box up and he sat up, wide eyed, and they all said, Sure, it's a miracle of God! All rejoiced & they went back and had a few more drinks but later that day, the poor lad died. Really died. Stone cold dead. They bundled him back into his box, and as they huffed and puffed down the hill the next morning, the priest said, "Careful now, boys; mind ye don't bump the gatepost again"
 -Submitted by Julian 

 *  * *  * *  * *  * *  *

A young Irishman sat at a pub in the New World drinking beer and conversin' with the barkeep. Another comes in and sits besides him. He says how you do and hears the lilt and says you be Irish? Yes I am. The first man yells barkeep give us another round and one for my friend here he's from the mother country as well. The second man asks-so where in the old country ye from. Dublin responds the first. Dublin you say - so am I and the second man hollers barkeep bring us another round and a shot of your best Irish Whiskey for me and my friend here. Afterwards the first man asks from where in Dublin  and the second man responds with the street and the first man says well I'll be - so am I and yells barkeep another pair of beers and Irish Whiskey for the pair of us.  The phone behind the bar rings and the barkeep answers it. The owner of the pub asks - how is business. The barkeep responds - not too bad - The O'Malley twins are here getting drunk again.
-Submitted by:KeysRinger

 *  * *  * *  * *  * *  *

His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan.  "Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant.  "She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman.

 *  * *  * *  * *  * *  *

Mrs. Pete Monaghan came into the newsroom to pay for her husband's obiturary. She was told by the kindly newsman that it was a dollar a word and he remembered Pete and wasn't it too bad about him passing away.  She thanked him for his kind words and bemoaned the fact that she only had two dollars.  But she wrote out the obituary, "Pete died."  The newsman said he thought old Pete deserved more and he'd give her three more words at no charge. Mrs. Pete Monaghan thanked him and rewrote the obituary:  "Pete died. Boat for sale"
 -Submitted by:Catheryn 

 *  * *  * *  * *  * *  *

A young Irish girl goes into her priest on Saturday morning for confession.
"Father, forgive me for I have Thinned."
"You've Thinnned?"
"Yes, I went out with me boyfriend Friday night. He held me hand twice, kissed me three times, and made love to me two times."

"Daughter! I want you to go straight home, squeeze seven lemons into a glass, and drink it straight down."

"Will that wash away me Thin?"

"No, but it will get the silly smile off your face."
- Submitted by: Dave Alexander

 *  * *  * *  * *  * *  *

Man runs out of a West Belfast pub with his arms on fire Police catch him and charge him with having an armalite.

 *  * *  * *  * *  * *  *

Irishman, Englishman and a German are caught in Saudi Arabia drinking. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back,  what would you like?" said the prison guard to the Englishman just before lashing him. The English man, being a bit of a cricket fan, asked for linseed oil. When they lashed him on a post and let him go to catch his flight back to London he groaned and crawled to the airport. Next came the German.  "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard "Nothing" said the German and, after receiving his lashes spat on the ground, called the prison guards Schisers and started off  towards the airport. The guards then came to the Irishman. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" "Oh", replied the Irishman, "I'll take the German".

 *  * *  * *  * *  * *  *

It's revolutionary Paris, 1789, and three spies from across the channel are about to be guillotined. "Do you wan't to be beheaded on your back or your front?" The executioner asked Smith. "On my back," said Smith. "I'm not afraid of death." So Smith was laid on his back under the blade. The executioner pulled the lever. Schlick... and the blade jammed. Smith was reprieved because no man can be sentanced to death twice. Hoskins was next. He too chose to face the knife. Again the blade jammed, and Hoskins was reprieved. Murphy was third. "Back or front?" 
"If it's good enough for Smith and Hoskins, it's good enough for me," and so Murphy was laid on his back under the blade.  "Begorrah," he said. "Just a minute. I think i can see why it jams."
 -Submitted by: Rob Ziegler 

 *  * *  * *  * *  * *  *

Irishman went to a pet shop and asked how many budgies were in stock. "We have 99" replied the  shop owner "Give us the lot" said the Irish man, paid for them and left. He went to a tailors shop and had 99 pockets sewn into a jacket, put a budgie in each pocket, went up to the Post Office Tower and jumped off. He hit the ground with an almighty smack and lay there groaning until a passer-by came and asked him what had happened. "I don't know sur" he replied "but that's the last time I try that budgie jumping" 

 *  * *  * *  * *  * *  *

Irish business men have their names printed on the front and back of their business card in case  someone looses them. 

 *  * *  * *  * *  * *  *

Irishman finds a Genie lamp and rubs it. Out comes the Genie and asks "Master you have released  me from the lamp and I grant you three wishes, what would you like" Irishman scratches his head,  then answers "A bottle of Guinness that never gets empty. "Granted master" retorted the Genie and  produced the bottle. The man was delighted and got drunk on this one magic Guiness bottle for weeks then he remembered that he had two other wishes. He rubbed the lamp again and the Genie appeared. "Yes master, you have two more wishes, what would you like?" "You know that magic, never ending Guinness bottle" he asks the Genies. "Well, for my final two wishes, I'd like another two of them" 

 *  * *  * *  * *  * *  *

First time ever on an aeroplane and he is noticed by the stewardess who can see he is quite afraid of  flying. "Is there anything wrong sir" she asks "No missus" he replies "Just the first time I ever flew, I'm from Ahoghill, near Ballymena and the first man in the town ever to fly" So she leaves it at that and  gets on with he her duties. When the plane is due to land she goes back to the passenger "Well sir were you comfy?" she asks. He looks round at her and answers "I telt ye that afore, joost oot side Ballymena. (all the fine pieces above are fromthe Collection of Mr. Adam Flinn) 

 *  * *  * *  * *  * *  *

 "Paddy," asked the barmaid, "what are those two bulges in the front of your trousers?"  "Ah," said Paddy. "They're hand grenades. Next time that queer O'Flaherty comes feeling my balls, I'll blow his bloody fingers off!" 

 *  * *  * *  * *  * *  *

Pat and Mike were doing some street repairs in front of a known house of ill repute in Boston. A Jewish Rabbi came walking down the street, looked the left, looked to right, and ducked into the house. Pat paused a bit from swinging his pick and said "Mike...will you look at that! A man of the cloth, and going into a place like that in broad daylight!".
A bit later, a Baptist minister came down the street, looked to the left, looked to the right, and scurried into the house.  Mike layed down his shovel, turned to Pat and said "Pat! Are you seeing what  I'm seeing? A man of the Church, and he's giving that place his custom!" Just then, a Catholic Priest came down the street, looked to the left, looked to the right, and slipped into the bawdy house.
Pat and Mike straightened up, removed their hats, and Mike says "Faith, and there must be somebody sick in there."
-Submitted by:Tony Cooperider 

 *  * *  * *  * *  * *  *

[ More Jokes ... ]

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